Calvinism – You have two bulls. They argue with each other incessantly. You have no idea what they are talking about.

Appalachian holiness – You have two snakes.

Acts 29 – You have a bull and a cow. They are absolutely, positively, 100% equal in value, dignity, and worth.

Nondenominational – You have two cows. You baptize each of them six times. You claim to have 12 cows.

“New” Calvinism – You have two cows. You stole them from the Southern Baptists.

The Southern Baptist Convention – You have two cows. Also a weirdly large amount of political capital, now hopelessly compromised.

Arminianism – You have two cows. They need to be fed. There is no handle on the outside of the barn door. You stand at the door and knock. Eventually, they die of hunger.

Lutheranism – You have two bulls. You insist they have nothing to do with other cattle and they die. You have no cows.

Presbyterianism – You have two cows. You consider a new type of bovine immunization. You suggest it at General Assembly. You are accused of liberalism. The SJC burns your farm to the ground, just to be safe.

Catholicism – You have a billion cows. This is exactly as difficult as it sounds.

Orthodoxy – You have two cows. You have always had two cows. They have always been the same two cows.

Dispensationalism – You have two cows. You are raptured. The anti-Christ steals your cows.

Emergent – There are no cows. There do not need to be cows. You are a vegan.

Prosperity – You have two cows. You don’t build a pen, insisting that their faith will protect them. Both are eaten by wild dogs.

Anglican  – You have two cows. They have strikingly different concepts about what it even means to be a cow. Eventually, one submits to the Pope.

Anabaptists – You have two cows. You take care of them and milk them. At some point your neighbor lends you his bull. There are calves. Then there are more calves. Eventually you have to build a bigger barn, but not a huge one. It works out pretty well. Nevertheless, you have a good 30% chance of ending up executed by Lutherans.

Mainline – You have two cows. One is dead. The other doesn’t look so good. You form a committee to study the issue. Or rather, to study other issues. You write up the committee’s findings for the newsletter. The second cow dies. You have some coffee cake and go home.

Religious Right – You have two cows. All of their calves have gotten nose piercings and left the farm.

Religious Left – You have two cows. You read a thing about how cows don’t actually necessarily need to be fed; the ones who want to are able to photosynthesize. This sounds right. You put them out in the sun with high hopes. No one can say that you’re on the wrong side of husbandry. Both cows die from starvation.

Methodism – You have two cows. Both of them are constantly threatening to leave each other.

Megachurch – You have 2000 cows across six different pastures with engaging, relevant cow feed and dynamic calf programming. Two of your cows produce milk.

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Posted by Susannah Black and Jake Meador

Susannah Black received her BA from Amherst College and her MA from Boston University. She is an assistant editor at Mere Orthodoxy, editor at Plough, associate editor of Providence Magazine, and an editor of The Davenant Trust’s journal Ad Fontes. She's a founding editor of Solidarity Hall and is on the Board of the Distributist Review. Her writing has appeared in First Things, The Distributist Review, Solidarity Hall, Providence, Amherst Magazine, Front Porch Republic, Ethika Politika, The Human Life Review, The American Conservative, Mere Orthodoxy, and elsewhere. She blogs at Radio Free Thulcandra and tweets at @suzania. A native Manhattanite, she is now living in Queens. Jake Meador is a 2010 graduate of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln where he studied English and History. He lives in Lincoln, NE with his wife Joie and their three children. He is the editor-in-chief of Mere Orthodoxy as well as a contributing editor with Fare Forward and the Vice President of the Davenant Institute. Jake's writing has appeared in Christianity Today, Fare Forward, the University Bookman, Books & Culture, First Things, Front Porch Republic, and The Run of Play.