Primary Use: Asking trollish questions on @go_oat’s Curious Cat; attempting to convince Cardinal Dolan to get adult baptized.
Primary Use: Following Nebraska football accounts and various high ranked recruits the program is targeting. Occasionally spams recruits with links to Crossway’s Don’t Waste Your Life gift edition, has been reported to Twitter.
Karen Swallow Prior
Primary Use: Tweets out articles about the dangers posed by mass transit, also tweets about the dangers of automated vehicles and pedestrianism, and occasionally trolls Elon Musk by likening him to various characters from the 18th century novel The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman.
James K. A. Smith
Primary Use: Catty reviews of wine bars, speakeasies with artisanal cocktails, and cheese shops in the greater Grand Rapids area
Primary Use: Anxiously tweeting marriage advice at Justin Bieber
David Bentley Hart
Primary Use: Trenchant, baroque and sesquipedalian baseball commentary and continuous lamentation for the state of the Baltimore Orioles.
Pater Edmund Waldstein
Handle: @TheOnion, AKA The Onion Trad
Primary Use: During his time at Thomas Aquinas College, young Edmund Waldstein, inspired by the “new evangelization” under John Paul II, developed an evangelistic strategy he summed up to others as “Bishop Sheen, but for Extremely Online people.” It would involve taking current news events and putting an amusing trad Catholic twist on them while writing for an actual fake news website. In this way, Pater Edmund anticipated the advent of ‘fake news’ as a major meme in online media by over a decade.
After settling in at an abbey, he mentioned the plan to his spiritual director. The director was mostly confused, not being entirely sure what was meant by the phrases ‘Extremely Online’ or ‘fake news.’ However at the mention of the venerable Bishop Sheen he enthusiastically gave his approval to the project. Since that time, Pater Edmund, under the guise of the Onion Trad, has produced a series of evangelistic articles tacitly critiquing liberalism by highlighting the various absurdities inherent in it, such as “Report Finds More Americans Putting Off Having Children Until Companies Are Ready” and other articles of more catechetical intent, explaining basic teachings of the Christian faith to non-religious internet people, such as, “Before You Go See ‘Avengers: Infinity War,’ Here’s Everything You Need To Know About The Endless Love And Compassion Of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ.”
Primary Use: Active at times when he publicly claims to have quit Twitter but can’t bring himself to actually totally quit but has also not yet admitted it on his main account; primary content is evangelistic tweets directed at Anne Rice, attempting to make the case that she should not give up on Christianity without having tried Anglicanism.
Primary Use: Tweeting obscure, deliberately poorly punctuated Catholic propaganda to a breathless audience
Primary Use: Tweeting his workout logs.
Primary Use: Tweeting about his true interests: the essentially neoplatonist nature of early Christian thought, his concerns about Brexit, and the ontological status of the morally ambiguous spiritual beings that appear in European folklore.
Primary Use: Tradbro memes and WCT Traditional Latin Mass appreciation that Faggioli, to his secret shame, can’t get enough of.
Primary use: Operated entirety in his sleep during parasomniac episodes, Ross uses this handle to express all of the ideas his opponents accuse him of supporting.
We will also make fun of the writers now:
Primary use: Making obscure jokes that reference both soccer and theology and that, like, seven people think are funny. (This entry was written by his wife.)
Primary Use: Coordinating the maneuvers of a small fleet of schooners acting with definite though mysterious purpose around the Verrazano Narrows, alerting @Vermeullarmine, Bat-signal-style, every time she identifies a person who has any kind of claim to a previously or currently existing European throne who is showing promising interest in De Koninck, and posting pictures of brunch. Whether this differs significantly from her primary account is debatable.