In which the Angelic Doctor considers whether or not football is coming home. (Credit for this idea to Joshua Heavin.)
Article 1: Whether football is coming home?
Objection 1: Nature teaches us that all living things are possessed of roots that help to establish their identity and bond them to their home. As football’s home is England, football’s roots are in England, and so football must come home.
Objection 2: England is a nation of 56 million people. It seems that if Greece, a nation of only 10 million, can win the European title and if Portugal, a nation of only 10 million, can win the European title, then England must be able to win the title. Therefore, football is coming home.
Objection 3: England is possessed of Harry Kane, Jack Grealish, Jadon Sancho, and Raheem Sterling, four of the world’s greatest attacking talents. It would seem that football must come home.
Objection 4: England’s star players are exceptionally good at penalty kicks. Both Harry Kane and Marcus Rashford have demonstrated a high degree of aptitude for successfully scoring penalty kicks. So football must come home.
On the contrary: The prophet Three Lions hath said that England’s gonna throw it away.
Reply to objection 1: The philosopher Gary Lineker hath said that football is a simple game: 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end the Germans win. This would suggest that football need not return home since football’s roots are not in Germany. Because Germany is not England, it would seem that football is not coming home.
Reply to objection 2: Both Turkey and Russia are far larger than England, but Russia has not won the European title since 1960 and Turkey never has. It would seem that population is not a reliable means of identifying likely winners of the European title.
Reply to objection 3: The sage Gareth Southgate hath said that Sancho and Grealish will not play and therefore England’s attack shall stagnate.
Reply to objection 4: HAHAHAHAHAHA