By Susannah Black, Christian Young, and Jake Meador

Looking for some creative summer weekend plans and keep coming back to the possibility of military intervention in Iran? Before you pencil that in, consider these less-expensive alternatives that are just as much fun!

  1. Buy a sailboat, fully outfit it for a sea voyage, and deliberately sink it in Chesapeake Bay! You’ll have all the fun of spending a lot of money on a complicated and fruitless endeavor, but it will be much less money than you would have if you’d sent in the troops, and your adventure is unlikely to encourage recruitment to Ansar-e-Hezbollah or result in the deaths of foreign nationals!
  2. Go fly a kite! Kite-flying is fun for all ages, and if you find that you still have some of those war-with-Iran feelings, you can always coat the string with glass and try to use it to attack seagulls.
  3. Become a pacifist to own the just war theorists. You may or may not be philosophically correct, but you’ll piss Oliver O’Donovan all the way off and you’ll save your pennies!
  4. Become a paleocon to own the neocons. You can be a little bit nostalgic for both the Nineties when Pat Buchanan was in his salad days and all these nasty friend-enemy distinctions within the anti-fusionist Right hadn’t been drawn, and at the same time for an imaginary Fifties of ambiguously wholesome Americanism, and wear a lot of bow ties, and you won’t actually get anyone killed!
  5. Shave John Bolton’s mustache while he sleeps.
  6. Figure out which part of Mars the Moon is on; then enlist Fr. Sciarappa to tweet threats to blow up that part of Mars.
  7. Help your kids start a lemonade stand– even if you live on the Hill! Who says city kids can’t make a buck the old fashioned way? Set up a table in Eastern Market, and make sure they use only fresh-squeezed lemons and home-made simple syrup. The exercise will teach them about basic market principles, and you’ll be so busy worrying about kidnapping and trying to explain to them why their lemonade stand’s economics are not transferrable directly to uncritical support for global neoliberalism that you won’t have the energy to advocate for even limited drone strikes against Tehran!
  8. Argue that the U.S. has no grounds to go to war against what you insist on describing as the Persian Empire because it is itself in rebellion against the Spanish House of Bourbon-Anjou, and until this injustice is corrected, it can take no legitimate autonomous steps in foreign relations.
  9. Plan a staycation! Set up a volley-ball net on the lawn, rock a pair of Jackie O sunglasses, and whip up some classic pina coladas for yourself and your special someone! Remember, even though it’s not the beach, you still need to protect yourself: make sure that you use a sunscreen with non-nano zinc oxide or titanium dioxide, ingredients that have been shown to be both safe and effective. 
  10. Go to war with Canada! Compared with the alternative, it’s sensible, winnable, and considerably less likely to cause any significant retaliation, at least outside of DC. Canada even has oil!* 

*NOTE: The Canadians may try to burn the White House to the ground, so if you are a member of the Administration, be sure to have a backup plan for office space. Mere Orthodoxy recommends a hip, relaxed co-working space like WeWork or Spacious for flexibility and value. Often, such spaces offer free beverages and granola bars; be sure to ask ahead about flavors to make sure they stock Lindsey Graham’s favorites.

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  • Matthew

    I doubt Oliver has ever been pissed off in his life. He’d just raise his eyebrows, and then own you.

  • John III

    I don’t think anyone no matter how foolhardy is going to think pissing off Oliver O’Donovan is a good idea…

  • Brett

    At least the intention to be funny while commenting was clear.

  • BWF

    The abundance of Iran-hawks in this comment thread is peculiar.

    • Matthew

      Huh?

  • America has tried number ten. Learn all about it in the documentary Canadian Bacon.