By Matthew Loftus, Jake Meador, and Jon Askonas

For the Christian progressive in your life:

We recommend a pair of boots with great tread and cleats to help them successfully navigate those slippery slopes. (Numerous retailers, $30-$200.)

For the Person in Your Life Who Loves Ethically-Sourced Porn:

If you’re an evangelical teenager and you’ve already worked your way through all the dirty parts of the Bible and The Act of Marriage book you stole off the Resource Table at church, the next thing you’ll be looking for is ethically made pornography. We at Mere Orthodoxy have exhaustively searched and found all of the pornography made without any exploitation, dehumanization, or ethical ambiguities:

This kit comes with a FREE bonus collection of all the first-century Gnostic writings. (Mere Orthodoxy Gifts, Inc, $20.)

For the man who is deeply concerned about Defending Western Civilization:

Has someone you know been “redpilled”? Do they drone on about “Western Civilization”, identify more with Hungarian atheists than Central American Christians, and accuse all of your mutual friends of “cultural Marxism”?

Many people who are obsessed with Western Civilization just need an outlet for their warmongering tendencies, which is why we recommend Civilization VI for the man (it’s always a man, isn’t it?) in your life who needs to vent a little. Sid Meier’s award-winning turn-based strategy game is fun for everyone and fully customizable so that you can even create your own scenario where writing frantic blog posts allows you to defends your borders against the invading Zulus, Huns, and Canadians. (Civilization VI, Firaxis, $40 not including bonus downloadable content and expansions.)

For the Catholic who thinks defending western civilization is Normie and needs a more sophisticated, up-to-date answer to All of Society’s Problems:

We recommend Paradox Interactive’s hit simulation game Europa Universalis IV. In between turns beating back the forces of modernism and liberalism with your legions of Swiss Guards, you’ll have plenty of time to write expositional treatises on the deep political wisdom of Pius IX and to fiddle with finding just the right mix of authoritarianism and clericalism in your domestic policies. It’s the setting in which Integralism works best: an overly detailed, self-indulgent alternative history fantasy world. (Europa Universalis IV, Paradox, $40 not including bonus downloadable content and expansions)

For Your Anglican Friend Who Went Grew Up Southern Baptist, went to Hillsdale, Lives in DC, and has gotten really into Evelyn Waugh:

A laminated copy of Newman’s Apologia—great for preserving your book, even when you take it for a swim in the Tiber.

For Jonathan Merritt:

The Complete Works of Historian Thomas Kidd

For the Pro-Life Democrat in Your Life:

In recent years, slogans like “pro-life from womb to tomb” and “please don’t murder babies or leave people to die in the street from a pre-existing condition” have taken the evangelical world by storm as Republicans have sold out pro-lifers like a Chaldean dressed in scarlet and Democrats have become ever more frenzied in their worship of Moloch. If you’re looking for a gift for that special someone in your life who hates quixotically wasting their vote on a third party almost as much as they hate voting for someone taking money from a merchant of death, get them a pro-life Democrat to vote for this Christmas. ($1999, Mere Orthodoxy PAC. Supplies may be limited or out of stock.)

For the man who’s just a little too worried about the Revoice Conference:

Recent research from Joseph Nicolosi suggests that men who are burdened with anxiety about the Revoice Conference, obsessed with whether or not the gays are taking over their denomination, or just generally fixated on sexual deviancy (e.g. more than 3 blog posts a week on the subject) may be suffering from what is known in counseling circles as a “father wound” due to deep childhood trauma and neglect.

We have prepared a special father-son bonding weekend to heal your father wound—no matter how old you are! With adventure sports, great speakers, and our special “Pray Away the Countertransference” seminar, you’ll find yourself crying and not even missing your laptop. If your earthly father is deceased or uninterested, a Mere O contributor with great chest hair can be rented for an extra fee. (Mere Orthodoxy Conferences, Inc. $2000, not including travel or Rent-A-Father-Figure.)

For the Mere Orthodoxy reader who’s ready to go Full Distributist:

Do you have a friend who has decided that productive ownership is the key to undoing the malign effects of capitalism? Has he or she moved past posting G.K. Chesterton quotes and started on the hard stuff like Henry George? Well, do we have the gift for you!

The Mere-O #FullDistributism Starter Kit will get your friend on the road to his or her own oikonomia (and hopefully out of your Facebook feed). The kit contains the complete works of Wendell Berry (in case they’re missing one or two books), a beehive, a chicken coop, clothing modeled after the most popular designs as seen in Hobbiton in Peter Jackson’s film-version of the beloved J. R. R. Tolkien novel The Fellowship of the Ring, a hatchet modeled after the one used by Carrie Nation to use on all of their electronics and nearby internet infrastructure, and one pound of organic cane sugar for putting in their gas tank. (Mere Orthodoxy Gifts, Inc. $1000. Land rights not included. NOTE: Mere Orthodoxy is not responsible for any legal charges incurred as a result of using this gift.)

Posted by Guest Writer

  • Hey Guest Writer. You suck.

    • BWF

      I thought this article was kinda clever. Some of the individual points weren’t funny, but there was enough thought put into the whole piece that it certainly did not “suck”.

      • Ha. Perhaps I was too harsh. But I got the feeling it was written BY third year grad students FOR third year grad students steeped in conversations about Distributivism and Double Predestination. It was a little pin headed. Also, he/they gored my own ox by talking about people who complain about attacks on western civilization. So I gored back. Maturely of course.

  • Benjamin

    Being a Papist myself, I laughed way too hard at that screenshot of “the Papal State” and the little “Papal Australia.”