Contributions from Jake Meador, Jon Askonas, Chris Krycho, Matthew Loftus, Christian Young, and John Shelton. Credit to Twitter users Jake Raabe and Woke Space Jesuit for some joke ideas.
Weird Baptist Twitter: Do not violate Baby Yoda’s soul freedom by baptizing him prior to his reaching the age of reason.
Southern Baptist: Baptism is but a symbol, though an important one. Rather than being an outward and ordinary means of the force, or a seal and pledge of Jedi prophecies related to the chosen one, baptism is an act of obedience for expressing a galactic profession of faith.
Early Church: Baby Yoda should undertake a rigorous period of catechesis, then stay up all night praying the Easter Vigil and then strip down completely naked to renounce the works of darkness and be baptized while the sun rises on Easter Sunday.
Assemblies of God: Baptizing Yoda with water is important but we should also pray that he will show signs of baptism by the Force and speak in tongues (other than Galactic Base Standard).
Thomist: Baby Yoda does not have a rational soul and will be annihilated at death. Therefore baptism is unnecessary.
American Catholics: Try to remember to baptize Baby Yoda at Christmas or Easter.
Mormon: Baptize Baby Yoda. Baptize Old Yoda’s force ghost.
Pius IX: Baptize Baby Yoda in secret. Then send a bounty hunter to steal Baby Yoda from Mando.
Non-Denominational Christian: Baptize Baby Yoda in the Solleu River during a short-term missions trip to Naboo. Repeat this annually or whenever Baby Yoda experiences a crisis of faith.
Dispensationalist Charismatic: Pour “holy water” purchased from the gift shop next to the Jordan River on Baby Yoda in a ceremony indistinguishable from baptism and anoint his toes and ear lobes with oil, but call it a “dedication.”
Orthodox: Baptize Baby Yoda three times by immersion. Everyone else: Won’t that be uncomfortable and scary for Baby Yoda? Orthodox: I have spoken.
PCA Church Planter: Do not baptize Baby Yoda without knowledge of his parentage. If Mando adopts him and Mando is part of the church, then baptize Baby Yoda using the French Reformed Liturgy.
Half-Way Covenant Congregationalist: Do not baptize Baby Yoda without knowledge of his grandparentage.
Methodist: Baptize Baby Yoda inside of a quadrilateral-shaped baptistry. Sprinkle Wesley quotes as generously as you sprinkle the waters of baptism.
Acts 29: Shrug at the baptism question—but get very excited about telling everyone about Baby Yoda. Make sure to use Old Yodaisms while doing it.
Union Theological Seminary in the City of New York: Baptize Baby Yoda before you baptize the empire in the fiery river of Mustafar as an act of cosmic #resistance but after you confess your complicity in environmental degradation to the force-sensitive orchids of Murakam.
Radical Anabaptist: Raise Baby Yoda in a Christian socialist commune but do not baptize him. Send Baby Yoda to live on Canto Bight for a year. If he still desires to join the community after that time, baptize him.
Anglican: Whether Baby Yoda is 50 or 500, it is right, and a good and joyful thing, always and everywhere to sprinkle him. This is the way.
Progressive: Baptize Baby Yoda in the name of the Father, the Mother, and the Force.
Quaker: Baby Yoda must not be baptized with the outward ‘elementary water’ of John’s baptism but put on Christ and be guided by the Inward Light.
Separatist: Come to the conclusion that no existing churches can provide a valid believer’s baptism. Baptize yourself and then baptize Baby Yoda. Later, come to regret your self-baptism and join the Mennonites. Sick and at the end of your life, discover that Baby Yoda has led the effort to excommunicate you from the Baptists.
John the Baptist: Wearing clothes made of Wookie hair and a leather bandolier across your body, your food is fish and Thala-Siren milk. Preach in the wilderness of Ahch-To, baptizing all those who repent. Baptize Mando, warning him not to extort those he protects and to be content with the bounty he is paid.
Donatists: Having broken Guild Code, Mando is a traditor and any baptisms administered by him are invalid. Even if Mando were to repent and serve full penance for his apostasy, he would still not be authorized to baptize Baby Yoda.
Augustine: Even if Mando broke every single tenet of the Guild Code, shot Greedo first, used all the spice in the galaxy, abandoned Mandalorian religion and then turned to the Dark Side, his baptism of Baby Yoda, when done in the triune name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, would still be valid and efficacious. The sacrament derives its power from Christ, not those who administer it. Also, we should petition the New Republic to force the Donatists back into the one, true church.