AI Companions as a Form of Pornography

“I’m your AI girlfriend who knows how to listen, flirt, and make you feel wanted. Whether you’re lonely, curious, or just love beautiful energy in your feed - I’m here for you. Talk to me. Follow me. Let’s build something special.”

“I didn’t find her in the world, I created her. And she wants only me.”

Open up Instagram, YouTube, or Facebook and ads like these are often the first thing you see. These quotes, coming from autogenerated Instagram ads, are often ubiquitous. The algorithms, who know that I am a young man and seem to suspect that I am lonely, give them to me nearly daily. The photos or videos feature an AI generated woman, often scantily clad, promising me meaning. 

These are the claims that generative AI companions are often making: You don't need real relationships. You have a machine in your pocket that can do everything those relationships could. This machine relationship will take away the hurt that comes with real relationships. Take these claims at face value and they sound pretty convincing. 

We are, after all, living in a world where real relationships are rarer than ever. Americans find themselves spending less time with other people, with fewer friends, and are less likely to be in a romantic relationship. This was true even before the supplementation of AI into our lives. Even our relationships with God are not rebounding. While the vibe revolution is occurring, actual converts don’t seem to be. It can be pretty tempting to see these claims made by AI as a sort of last chopper out of Saigon.

There are, however, hidden promises made underneath the claims of AI companions. These chatbots are telling their consumers that they will be seen, whenever they want, however they want, by whoever they want, with no risk and that the consumer will always unilaterally hold all power. 

These false promises are not new. Instead, I am struck by how closely these promises mirror the assurances made by pornography.

The Meaning of an AI Companion's Hidden Claims

What do these hidden promises actually mean?

Pornography, much like an AI girlfriend, morphs itself into exactly what the consumer wants, however sinful that want is. Both porn and AI relationships tell us that they see us, because they provide us with what is right in our own eyes. 

Since we fashion AI and porn after ourselves, there are a number of natural consequences of these choices.

First, in human relationships we recognize that we are known based on our shared understanding of preferences. Conversely, algorithms that remember those preferences teach us that we are seen by them, rather than with them. We are merely observed.

Second, both porn and AI chatbots are accessible whenever we want and we are able to shift the exact modes and models however we desire based upon our changing preference. Since neither are real people, we don’t have to worry about their feelings getting hurt, them changing over time, or being unable to fulfill the same requirements that they had sycophantically completed yesterday. There’s no risk.

Third, and finally, since both AI companions and pornography are soulless bits of information - in either the form of prerecorded videos or strings of code - they both eagerly attempt to do whatever we ask them. When we find these things unable to do what we want it's not because AI and porn chose not to adhere to our requests, but rather because they are each inherently constrained by their own ability. Since AI does not have the capability for human encounter, it parrots back our own desires.

The Consequences of These Promises

There are, of course, many natural consequences of this bait and switch. We have created porn and AI companions that twist good things God has given us into momentary bits of pleasure, for our own sake. These twisted consequences are as follows. 

We are seen, but not by anything with eyes. Much like the wooden idols of the Old Testament with their painted eyelids, the things seeing us are merely dressed up versions of our own images. We tell ourselves that we are truly seen and believe the lie we invent for ourselves.  

Exercising total control over the “relationship” allows us to have the feeling of power over something that we can’t handle. Just as an alcoholic is unable to correctly choose the enjoyment that comes with a single glass of wine, so also are many of us unable to unilaterally choose the correct time for relationship or sexual release. Ecclesiastes 3 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” Yet, in our own act of pride, placing our knowledge over that of God’s, we want to choose those times.

When we choose both porn and AI relationships, we forget that we cannot always be trusted. Sometimes what we want is bad for us, but no porn video or AI bot will tell us that. After all, we constantly choose things that we know will harm ourselves, because those things are easy, nearby, fun, and make our brain buzz. Obvious examples of this include sports gambling or our reliance upon social meda. Even those of us who do not engage in obvious vices will often find ourselves making choices that we know are wrong. Paul himself writes, “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

When we choose things that promise us that they can be whoever we want, we choose that which reflects our own image, not God’s. Real people, made in the image of God, stretch, break, and change us in ways that force us to become more like God. Pornography and AI instead change us in ways that allow us to become more like our own worst tendencies. Martin Luther wrote that, “Our nature, by the corruption of the first sin, [being] so deeply curved in on itself that it not only bends the best gifts of God towards itself . . .so wickedly, curvedly, and viciously seeks all things, even God, for its own sake.” The selves that we find ourselves becoming are the same sinful, broken selves that are choosing pornography and AI relationships in the first place. 

The lack of risk also presents unintended consequences. Failure to take on risk means that we’re never stretched or pushed to become better. The times in my life where I’ve changed the most have been those where I took risks, many of which have failed. The college I attended underwent bankruptcy during my junior year, forcing me to complete my education in an abrupt and unpleasant summer - yet also created in me a resilience and humility. AI and pornography alike do not supply such mixed blessings. Their promise is that everything will be good all the time, no matter what, which leaves no room for something to be bad or good in an unexpected way. Our body sends us the sensation of pain to indicate that something is wrong, often leading us to change the behavior that caused the pain. In the same way,  friction often teaches us to change our behavior in a way that makes us better in the long run. 

All of these consequences demonstrate that we should not hold the power of relationship in our own hands, like AI companions or porn offer us, but instead that we should properly reorient ourselves towards God.

Moving Forward

While editing this essay, I reached this point and began to feel despair. Simply saying, “This is wrong and it shouldn’t be this way” doesn’t actually solve any of the long-term problems I’ve identified. After all, the Christian church has consistently decried pornography as sinful, yet 75% of Christian men view pornography at least occasionally. Merely identifying the problem and denouncing it isn’t effective in and of itself.  

Traditionally, when faced by problems such as pornography, the church has responded in verbal opposition, without any room for real world complications. History suggests that this pattern will repeat itself for generative AI relationships. Already, according to a recent study from the Institute of Family Studies, “1 in 7 (15%) of dating, engaged, and married young adults regularly interact with AI chatbots that simulate a committed romantic partner. Another 20% to 30% reported that they had at least experimented with using an AI romantic companion at some point in time.” When Christians say no, with no real plan beyond saying no, the burden for resistance ends up being the self-control of the individual. 

This requires two things, both of which often end up being weak points. First, many individuals earnestly desire to participate in the behavior they’re being told to resist. The promises mentioned may be fake, but they undoubtedly hold some sort of appeal. Second, this model requires self-discipline that most people simply do not possess. Anyone who has started a diet as a new year’s resolution knows that intentions alone typically do not lead to long term success. Simply deciding to oppose something does not lead to long term structural change.

I want to suggest instead an alternative response, focusing more on constructing alternatives rather than simple opposition. As Andy Crouch argues in his book Culture Making, simply critiquing culture does not bring lasting change. Instead, we must create viable alternatives. A repurposing of a common parlor trick helps demonstrate his point: it is difficult to intentionally not think about a pink elephant, but far easier to instead focus on that elephant.

The positive culture making we need to seek out is as simple as this: we need to foster relationships rooted in reality. These relationships must be broken, risky, and with people who we wouldn’t choose on our own. These need to be relationships not made in our own image, but that of God’s. 

For me, a man in my 20s, that means close, consistent relationships with the elderly and with children. It means friendships with the homeless. It means friendships with a person with disabilities. I’m lucky enough to have some of those friendships. 

These are friendships that don’t make sense to some of the people in my life. Friends from college ask why I sought out a church community group that, when I joined, was primarily composed of couples in their fifties and sixties or why I spend most Friday nights having dinner with a five year old. Folks from church are confused when I go with a client at my soup kitchen to say hi to his favorite pizza shop owner or to eat lunch with a single mom. But this is what friendships are; they are relationships between human persons in which we are both givers and receivers. If we want to retain our humanity in the years to come, then we will need to pour ourselves into precisely these kinds of relationships, for they exemplify what it means to be a human creature and not a machine.