By Steven Wedgeworth

Later this summer a group of Christian writers will meet in St Louis for the Revoice Conference, an event that seeks to make a place for “gay, lesbian, same-sex attracted, and other LGBT Christians” in the conservative traditions of the Christian Church. These Christians all affirm the traditional teaching on the moral permissibility of same-sex sexual relationships and therefore remain celibate, but they very much want to continue to identify as gay. This desire has set off more than a few alarm bells among other members of those traditions.

Even though this conversation has been going on for about a decade, Revoice has dramatically raised its profile, and many participants are entering into it for the first time. Because Revoice is being hosted by a PCA church and has at least one seminary professor as a speaker, the notoriety surrounding it has forced Covenant Seminary to issue a statement affirming “the inerrancy of Scripture, the Westminster standards, and the sanctity of marriage as being between one man and one woman.” The conference has even caused some to speculate on whether or not there is a new trajectory towards progressive views of sexuality in denominations like the Presbyterian Church in America or the Southern Baptist Convention.

Some of what makes Revoice stand out is surely its branding. It embraces the language of “LGBT Christians” and even “sexual minorities.” Even its verbs have a certain ring to them: “supporting, encouraging, and empowering.” This is very modern language, the sort typically associated with progressive and liberation movements. In the descriptions of its various workshops, Revoice also uses the nomenclature of “LGBT+” and “LGBTQ,” implying an acceptance of a wide range of sexual orientations and identities. The fact that this presentation is also, at least on the surface, closely associated with a congregation in the Presbyterian Church in America and its denominational seminary only adds to the shock factor for many.

Though I think that Revoice’s branding is, at best, extremely imprudent, there is a much more important discussion to be had about the foundational assumptions behind the conference. Revoice’s basic philosophy comes from the loosely unified set of ideas commonly referred to as “Spiritual Friendship,” as advocated by Ron Belgau, Wesley Hill, Eve Tushnet, and others.

These account for the substance of what is generating the controversy, the basic thesis that there can be such a thing as a “gay Christian” who nevertheless upholds “the historic, Christian doctrine of marriage and sexuality.” In what follows, I would like to distinguish some of the key components of the Spiritual Friendship conversation, commend them for their virtues, but also highlight some of their features which do seem to conceal vice. In making these final criticisms, I do not suggest that the various writers and thinkers associated with Spiritual Friendship are being disingenuous. Quite the contrary, their pursuit seems particularly earnest. Nevertheless, their desires do not always appear to be consistently directed towards their proper ends, and I believe that there are some fundamental errors with their proposals.

Spiritual Friendship

What is “Spiritual Friendship”? While the name itself would merely suggest the classic notion of the love of friendship (philia) ordered towards God, in the context of “LGBT Christianity,” Spiritual Friendship now means more than that. It involves a set of ideas and assertions, all of which have some relationship to homoerotic feelings.

Among these are the following: 1) That while sexual activity between persons of the same sex is indeed sinful, the complex set of desires and psychological orientations which would otherwise lead to those actions are not sinful. 2) In fact, these are potentially good, as they are, at some basic point, a longing towards a true good,  Because of this, 3) a “gay” identity can and should constitute something around which a “community” can be formed, so long as its members remain celibates. 4) The Church should recognize and welcome these communities, noting how it has actually harmed persons with same-sex attraction in the past, both by being malicious towards them but also by not properly recognizing them. 5) There is a difference between the “fulfillment” promised by romantic love and the physical sexual acts attached to it, the former of which can be approximated if not entirely realized through close friendship. Thus, one way in which these sorts of Gay Christians can avoid the loneliness which would otherwise come from renouncing their erotic desires is by forming close and even vowed or covenanted friendships with other Christians of the same sex. And 6) The renunciation of the sexual act can enable the “gay” Christian to live a particularly religious celibate life analogous to the counsels of perfection, as they sublimate the sexual desire towards a more perfect form of love.

A few of these points are self-evident by the simple existence of the Revoice Conference and the topics of its workshops. I won’t belabor them. However, it is important to see how the Spiritual Friendship writers define “gay,” as that seems to generate the vast majority of the controversy.

First, Wes Hill defines his sexuality as an “orientation” which guides his preferences and overall lifestyle choices:

Being gay is, for me, as much a sensibility as anything else: a heightened sensitivity to and passion for same-sex beauty that helps determine the kind of conversations I have, which people I’m drawn to spend time with, what novels and poems and films I enjoy, the particular visual art I appreciate, and also, I think, the kind of friendships I pursue and try to strengthen. (Spiritual Friendship, pg. 33)

When I, for instance, form close friendships with men, I often attribute my original impulse to do so, and my continuing efforts to maintain those friendships, to my sexuality. (That paradigm seems to make sense of my experience: as I once said in an email to a friend, “A sexual orientation is such a complex and, in most cases, it seems, intractable thing; I for one cannot imagine what ‘healing’ from my orientation would look like, given that it seems to manifest itself not only in physical attraction to male bodies but also in a preference for male company, with all that it entails,” such as conversation and emotional intimacy.) (“Is Being Gay Sanctifiable?”)

For his part, Ron Belgau insists that he does not accept the modern categories of “sexual identity,” and he denies that “sexual attractions are a defining or constitutive element in our identity” (“What is Gay?”). This becomes more complicated, however, when he explains that he believes that there is a common source to both his sexual attractions and his other desires, a source that makes them both what they are. Speaking of one particularly strong intimate friendship in his past, Belgau writes:

…The first thing to assert here is that sexual desires were neither the defining nor the constitutive element of this relationship. It would also be unhelpful to deny that sexual desire was present and colored the relationship. (“What is Gay?”)

A little later in the same essay Belgau writes:

Not long after Wes and I met, he was talking about embracing being “gay” as something broader than just “the desire to sleep with men,” something connected with intimacy and joy in chaste same-sex friendships…

Belgau then argues that this “intimacy and joy” which can lead to gay sexual desires is really a more basic thing, simply the older “true” friendship, and yet there is nevertheless a peculiar distortion of this true friendship which exists as a “burden” that a great many people must bear, a nascent form of true friendship which always tends towards homoerotic desires.

When Belgau, in another place, gives a more detailed description of his “gay” desires, he includes many features of a stereotypical 20th century marriage: conversation and “understanding,” buying a house and even decorating it together, adopting children, holding hands, and even kissing goodbye. This particular form of friendship clearly has an “erotic” component to it, even if it is more emotional and sentimental than physically copulative, and this is what constitutes the “gay Christian” experience.

Because of the fact of these experiences, the Spiritual Friendship writers believe the Church need to recognize and welcome celibate LGBT Christians, and that goal is set front and center for the Revoice Conference. The Spiritual Friendship writers also suggest particular “spiritual friendships,” close bonds between persons of the same sex, even perhaps held together by vows or covenants, as a means of realizing the goal of true friendship, the goal which they believe the more immature forms of homoeroticism are aspiring towards in a disordered manner. Ron Belgau writes, “Our argument is that properly ordered desire for same-sex love is ordered to friendship, not sex.” Thus this friendship can be an appropriate “vocation” for the celibate gay Christian, in an analogous way that marriage is for the straight Christian laity and that the priesthood or monastic orders are for Catholics following the religious life. Wesley Hill even points to adelphopoiesis as one concrete way that these particular friendships can exist (Spiritual Friendship, pg. 119; Hill quotes Pavel Florensky explicitly likening this bond to marriage or a monastic vow.)

When laid out in this way, it becomes obvious that Spiritual Friendship is much more complicated than simply persons with same-sex attraction simply choosing to renounce such desires in order to obey the teaching of the Scriptures. If that were all that it was, it would be hard to imagine the controversy, at least among conservative Christians. Instead, Spiritual Friendship presumes a specific anthropology and hamartiology (that is, a doctrine of sin; I will explain this point more below) in order to then argue for a specific outlook on the doctrine of vocation and to offer a specific strategy on evangelism and ecclesiology in the wake of the LGBT-rights movement.

Strengths of Spiritual Friendship

Most of this essay will be heavily critical of Spiritual Friendship, but before going straight to the criticism, I do think that the writers deserve praise on several fronts. They have been rather badly misunderstood by some critics for quite a long time and yet they continue to persevere with an irenic disposition. The Spiritual Friendship writers do not condone same-sex intercourse. They have been very clear about this. They have also been clear that they reject same-sex intercourse as sinful because of the teachings of Scripture, which they hold to be absolutely authoritative. For this reason, they argue that they and others should renounce the objects of those desires and live a life of either appropriately chaste sexual activity within heterosexual marriage or celibacy.

The Spiritual Friendship writers have also called us to more honestly reckon with the complications of defining one’s desires and how they relate to sexuality. They have demonstrated a much more sophisticated theological and philosophical framework than many of their critics. They have argued that their interest in sanctifying aspects of their gay identity is precisely in locating the original good aspects which reflect the image of God and in finding out how best to use those attributes to honor and serve Him.

Additionally, the Spiritual Friendship writers are correct in their argument that the category of true friendship has been almost entirely lost in our modern day, eclipsed by the hegemony of the erotic or the distractions of frivolity and consumption. They are correct to argue that the Church has the resources to properly display friendship, indeed friendship as a true love, and that this would be a powerful alternative to the modern sexual landscape and an attractive outlet for many otherwise lonely and confused young people. Quite apart from the particular discussion of homosexuality, “spiritual friendship” is a concept that all Christians would do well to recover.

The Question of Concupiscence

The most basic problem anyone addressing the concept of “gay Christianity” will encounter is the status of concupiscence. Augustine, I believe rightly, maintained that concupiscence was itself sinful, while the later medieval tradition largely disagreed. The Protestant Reformers returned to the Augustinian notion of concupiscence, whereas the Roman Catholic response was to double down in its opposition to this position. This explains, at least in part, why Spiritual Friendship writers like Ron Belgau have had trouble being understood when they speak of the sinfulness of sexual temptation. Belgau does not only argue that temptation in the abstract need not always be sinful. He argues that particular temptations, namely sexual desires, can be “not morally neutral” but also not “sinful.”

For instance, Belgau has recently tweeted, “not only [is] gay sex… sin, but also that the desire for gay sex is part of our fallen world and must—like all desire that would lead to sin—be resisted.” Thus “the desire for gay sex” is “fallen” and “must be resisted.” But is it sin? For Belgau, no. He has elsewhere written, “I believe that gay sex is sinful, and that the desire for gay sex, though not itself sinful, is a temptation that cannot be regarded as morally neutral.” Thus, the desire for gay sex is an immoral temptation but not sin.

Belgau is essentially arguing that gay desire is like concupiscence. If left to its own, it would terminate in sin. It is a particular sort of lower appetite. But, importantly, it is not sin until it is acted upon by the will. The Spiritual Friendship argument appears to deviate even from the typical Roman Catholic view on this point, however, as Roman Catholicism has never argued that a disordered concupiscence can be ordered. The dilemma would never occur to Magisterial Protestants, however, as they would confess the concupiscence as species of lust in need of repentance.

So when the Spiritual Friendship writers say that gay desires are not “morally neutral” they do not necessarily concede that the desires are sinful. They may well become sin, but they are not automatically sin, even as they exist in an identifiably erotic way. This may be possible on Roman Catholic grounds, but it is not possible on Protestant ones, and this will be a point of impasse to all who are attentive to the doctrines of anthropology and hamartiology.

The Status of Sexual Orientation

Following from this, the Spiritual Friendship writers do basically accept the concept of “sexual orientation.” They typically appeal to the fact of their experience, but they also insist that their same-sex attraction is not merely a conscious desire or act of the will but rather a disposition of their being. Hill says that it is a “sensibility” which permeates all of his life (Spiritual Friendship, pg. 33). Jeremy Erickson explains that he can have intense “physical but not genital” affections. These then excite him towards certain actions and social interactions.  

Thus the “orientation” is not necessarily oriented towards the act of sexual intercourse. It can exist quite apart from that act, apparently. It can even exist when that act is renounced entirely. The problem is that this quickly becomes nonsensical. As Aristotle taught, the last in action is the first in intention. Thus any kind of freely-willed orientation would be defined by its telos. Without the oriented sexual activity, even if only potentially, there is no “sexual orientation.”

In the case of the Spiritual Friendship writers, what we are dealing with is a disposition that is prior to the will and which the will is called to interact with and transform. This is not really the same thing as the “sexual orientation” of secular LGBT thinkers. It’s much closer to what the older writers would call a habitus. But this too presents a problem. For a virtuous habit ought not, of itself, produce vice. Neither should a properly ordered habit lead to disorder. Vices are not accidental expressions of a virtue. A disorder is a problem, a want of conformity to the order. Disorders are not capable of being ordered without thereby ceasing to be disordered. Thus, if the habit is good, then the sinful distortion should not be identified with the habit but rather distinguished and removed from it.  

It is at this very point that we should also question whether the “T,” the “Q” and the “+” are actually the same sorts of things as the “L” and the “G.” After all, transgender persons and queer or questioning persons are not merely struggling with the objects of their desires. They are making radical claims about their basic constitution. They claim that they are not, in fact, the gender or sex that their physical body would otherwise suggest. However much it might help them to enjoy companionship and affection, friendship would not really address this basic dispute one way or the other. Are the Spiritual Friendship writers incorporating these elements simply because that is how the contemporary LGBT movement organizes itself politically? If so, is this really fair to either side of the debate? Again, the nomenclature is tilted towards a certain philosophy, and it is not a historically Christian one.

Conflating Different Types of Love

A third major problem with the Spiritual Friendship project is its blending of philia and eros. While it is true that our modern culture often conflates all of the loves into one and then assumes that the truest form simply is eros (see C S Lewis’ argument in The Four Loves), classically the loves really were different kinds of things.

Philia is the love of friendship. Eros is romantic love. These are not different modes of the same love but loves with different objects. Philia is created between individuals who share a common outside love–a love of some task, pursuit, of duty. This shared love of the object is what then brings them together. Eros, however, is a love of the person as themself an object of desire. These loves are different kinds of things. Distinguishing them makes it clear that a “heterosexual Christian” is every bit as capable of having a “spiritual friendship” with someone of the same sex as is a “gay Christian.” There is also no obvious reason to think that a new philia will satisfy the erotic desire of the “gay Christian.” The tendency of SF writers to point to adelphopoiesis as a sort of combination of erotic love and philial love, especially when they use the work of John Boswell, is particularly troubling. Spiritual brotherhood in Christian antiquity was strongly opposed to eroticism.

In an attempt to argue against making “eros” the primary desire, Ron Belgau argues that it is really friendship which is the most basic pursuit:

For Aelred, then, friendship can, in its degenerate forms, give rise to sinful sexual acts, but in its perfected form, it can be a source of greater joy than in either of its degenerate forms, and a great encouragement and help to salvation.

It is not surprising, given the gradual decay of friendship in western culture in the last few hundred years, combined with the rise of the Freudian assumptions about sex, that most of us would be more likely to have first identified what we were feeling as “gay” or “homosexual,” and only later, by swimming very much against the current, begun to articulate the value of chaste friendship.

But it’s not clear to me why, given a traditionally Christian understanding of human sexuality, we would want to make homosexuality primary and friendship part of a larger category that is somehow connected to it.

Thus Belgau wants “friendship” to be the primary category, with homosexuality being a secondary one. In a recent tweet, Belgau makes this clear: “Our argument is that properly ordered desire for same-sex love is ordered to friendship, not sex. We are not saying that sexual desire can just remain unmodified, though with Augustine we realize this is a lifelong struggle.”

This statement on its own would, I think, naturally lend itself to the argument that peculiarly “gay” desire is a disorder of the properly-ordered same-sex love of friendship, the kind of same-sex love that many straight people have. In other words, the gay love is mistakenly acted out as “carnal friendship” but it really ought to find its fulfillment in worldly friendship, which, over time, can be fully absorbed into spiritual friendship, the chief end of all loves. The problem with this is, again, that eros is not simply a lower form of philia, but is instead a distinct kind of love, with a distinct object.

In fact, as we read more of their explanations, it does not appear that the sort of friendship that the Spiritual Friendship writers are after is the ordinary kind of intense friendship experienced by straight men and women. When Wesley Hill writes about one of his “spiritual friendships,” it has the quality of a romance, and when it ends, he refers to it as a breakup. And as we mentioned above, when Ron Belgau describes one of his desired friendships, it sounds like a marriage: a man who understands him, who he can love more than any other, who he can introduce to mom & dad, who he can dance with, buy a house with, adopt kids with… Again, this really doesn’t sound like philia, not even a very intense form of it. It sounds like the establishment of a home. Belgau’s “friend” sounds like a helpmeet.

Why aren’t the Spiritual Friendship writers attempting to form a spiritual friendship with persons of the opposite sex? It’s rather obvious that it is the particular kind of “attraction” that they have towards members of the same sex that leads them to their same-sex friendships, otherwise the special friendships they propose would be indifferent to sex, and they would be friends with opposite sex persons in the same way as with same sex persons–but that’s not what’s being proposed. And if they did form an avowedly celibate same sex friendship of the kind that they are describing, then they wouldn’t really be engaging in adelphopoiesis so much as in a same-sex version of syneisaktism, a movement ultimately condemned by the church.

And is there good reason to suppose that homoeros is, at its core, simply looking for homophilia? Wouldn’t many gay men strongly reject the assertion that what they are “really looking for” in erotic love is philia? There is a large amount of gay literature which argues strongly against presuming to define the gay experience by heteronormative categories (see for example here, here, and here; Justin Raimondo’s argument that gay marriage is anti-gay also goes right to the main points). Many LGBT persons do not believe that they are “really looking for” something else. If Michael Hobbes’ harrowing description of unfulfilled gay life is even partly true, there are significant numbers of gay men who would disdain the descriptions of gay love offered by Hill and Belgau as representative only of one sector of gay men.

When pressed on the question of whether spiritual friendship really can fulfill erotic desires, Wes Hill says that he is actually not sure. At the end of the day, he has to “take this on faith.” What this means is that even the Spiritual Friendship writers will find themselves in a combative relationship with the contemporary LGBT movement. They must also ask many gay men to redefine their desires and felt-experiences in order to conform to an outside standard of love and behavior.

Putting all this together, one has to ask–just how different is this from gay conversion therapy? The person is still gay, and it still looks like they want a homoerotic fulfillment, but over time they will see that what they really want is a homophiliac fulfillment? Instead of praying the gay away, they pray the eros into philia?

The Danger of Malakia

Finally, we should talk about the danger of malakia. Defending the potential virtue of gay friendship Ron Belgau writes:

I want to be clear that I am not saying that my relationship with Jason was wise, or that I would promote the same sort of relationship now. But it was far from the most foolish of the foolish things teenagers do as they try to sort out their sexual and romantic feelings. It embodied a lot of misunderstandings about Christian love, friendship, and sexuality. It could be a source of temptation. But the relationship did not make us arsenokoitai, any more than an unmarried man and a woman who hold hands or cuddle while watching a movie are pornoi.

I would agree that, since he and Jason never “went all the way,” they were not arsenokoitai. But it is not so obvious that at least one of them wasn’t malakoi. Commentators argue over the specific meaning of “effeminacy” in 1 Cor. 6:9, in particular whether it is restricted to a specific kind of homosexual action or whether it has a broader range of meanings indicating moral and social “softness” (See respectively, Robert Gagnon and Dale Martin; Martin is particularly interesting here, as he is an advocate for gay Christianity yet demonstrates the comprehensive implications of malakia in Christian antiquity).

What isn’t in doubt is that the catholic Christian tradition has understood effeminacy, in the broader sense, to be a vice. In his comments on 1 Cor. 6:9, John Calvin explains effeminacy as those who “do not openly abandon themselves to impurity, discover, nevertheless, their unchastity by blandishments of speech, by lightness of gesture and apparel, and other allurements.” In other words, a great deal of what goes by “gay culture” would be considered effeminate. A man conforming himself to roles or activities characteristic of a woman would certainly qualify. This is a point so unfashionable as to almost be unintelligible to modern readers, but the historical record is clear. Given our amnesia, it is important to explain that “effeminacy” is not simply a synonym for feminine. It takes that form in men because effeminacy has to do with abandoning one’s duty or declining to conform to a proper standard or role. Femininity in women is actually entirely proper and no vice. So women ought to be feminine but never effeminate.

Additionally, a great many “manly men” would qualify as effeminate, classically understood, whenever they gave in to luxury, fell in to intemperance, or allowed themselves to be ruled by their passions. Thomas Aquinas defines effeminacy in a more focused way when he defines the effeminate man as “one who withdraws from good on account of sorrow caused by lack of pleasure, yielding as it were to a weak motion.” Thus while I don’t think we have much reason to doubt whether Thomas would condemn two men cuddling on the couch watching Netflix, the main point of his criticism is not the soft action but the soft motion of the mind or will. And it isn’t merely the positive pursuit of the pleasure that is the problem. The chief problem is the abandoning of a good when a specific pleasure is not realized. This is a profound analysis, and a widely applicable one. “Conservative” writers who rush to write emotionally intemperate hot takes on moral issues would fall under Aquinas’ iron condemnation here just as much as the more outwardly “soft” man would.

At this point many might object that the Spiritual Friendship writers are actually employing a heroic exertion of willpower. They are calling on people to do hard work, the hard work of reimagining categories and emotions which are highly charged, the hard work of mastering a desire and redirecting it towards another goal, and the hard work of remaining in a religious community which does not always provide understanding or acceptance. And I think that Ron Belgau, Wes Hill, and others should indeed be applauded for their manly resolve in this regard.

But, it still seems that their project is grounded on what Aquinas and Calvin would consider an  effeminate conviction: that “gay Christians” should reject the married estate not simply because they are called to a higher good of contemplation but because it does not and perhaps cannot provide the appropriate erotic fulfilment that corresponds to their orientation, and, further, that a substitute should be engaged in, a special kind of intimate friendship based on same sex attraction. In addition to this, they also argue that if this substitute fulfillment is not offered, many gay people will, and, on their account, perhaps justifiably, reject the Good because of the sorrow that comes from their being denied a certain kind of pleasure. Indeed, a significant part of the forcefulness of their argument is the claim that without intense and particular gay-but-celibate loving relationships, many people will withdraw from Christian perseverance. The problem that the Spiritual Friendship writers are really wrestling with is the sin of effeminacy.


The Spiritual Friendship writers are wrestling with matters of great difficulty for them and for others in the church. But at the end of the day, the project itself is still deeply confused on the foundational issues. Disorders just aren’t the kinds of things that can be ordered. Original sin and its effects are actually sin and need to be repented of. Philia and eros are different loves.

For the Spiritual Friendship project to really work on its own terms, it needs to call on Christians identifying as LGBTQ to realize that their desires need to find a new object entirely. And when the desires find their true object, they will find themselves to be new desires indeed.

Steven Wedgeworth is the associate pastor of Faith Presbyterian Church in Vancouver, British Columbia. He writes about theology, history, and political theory, and he has taught Jr. High and High School. He is the founder and general editor of The Calvinist International, an online journal of Christian Humanism and political theology, and a Director for the Davenant Institute.

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Posted by Steven Wedgeworth

The Rev. Steven Wedgeworth is the rector of Christ Church Anglican in South Bend, IN. He has been a pastor in several churches since 2008. He has taught humanities at Christian high schools, and he occasionally writes on theology, church history, and philosophy. Steven is married to Anna, and they have three children.


  1. Michael Farley June 12, 2018 at 3:12 pm

    Melinda Selmys offers a rebuttal to the point about conflating different kinds of love: She has been in close conversation with the Spiritual Friendship circle for many years, and she explicitly denies that this circle of people advocates a kind of eros-based relationship unique to gay people. And she relates a story of a kind of spiritual friendship that she has with a man.


  2. I would note that the conference hasn’t even occurred. Moreover, the participants hardly represent anything approaching uniformity of views on these things. So, the rush to hail criticism at the event seems a bit unwarranted. Too many in evangelical circles seem far too uptight about these issues.

    As an asexual, I’m interested in the conference. In Reformed evangelicalism, there is a tendency to define proper masculinity primarily in terms of one’s desire for sex. Indeed, Reformed evangelicals tend to reduce personhood almost entirely to sex. As Reformed scholar Tim Bayly once commented on his blog, “Sex is a calling from God and is foundational to Christian discipleship, so the man who says he’s a celibate effeminate is a rebel against God.”

    Lastly, notions of effeminacy are fairly culturally constructed. I’m a trim, fit guy who eats healthy food, exercises regularly, and who wears tailored clothing. I also tend to be fairly indirect in my communication, and seek what I want through a strategic plan rather than through direct confrontation. In France, I’m viewed as perfectly masculine. The same goes in Japan, and in many other parts of Europe and Asia. But in the US, I’m effeminate. In the US, masculinity, particularly in Reformed evangelical circles, is defined by being overweight, exercising rarely, engaging in frequent gluttony, and treating every social interaction as though it’s a zero-sum game where direct confrontation maximizes one’s chances of a beneficial outcome.

    I’m sorry, but if guys like Tim Bayly, Doug Wilson, Paige Patterson, Roy Moore, and Donald Trump are models of Christian masculinity, I’ll take effeminacy.


    1. “I’m sorry, but if guys like Tim Bayly, Doug Wilson, Paige Patterson, Roy Moore, and Donald Trump are models of Christian masculinity, I’ll take effeminacy.”

      1. You don’t have to be sorry (or passive-aggressive).
      2. Who made that list of models of Christian masculinity…I mean besides you? Strawman much?


      1. I’m simply pointing out that notions of masculinity in white evangelical circles are fairly commensurate with those of a certain kind of authoritarianism. The first three men are notable promoters of “complementarian” gender roles. The last two are male politicians who are widely adored by white evangelicals.


        1. In other words, a strawman. Thanks for clarifying.


          1. Given that all five are actual people who either are, or not long ago were, in positions of influence, they aren’t strawmen. For that matter, even the two who have “fallen” in power recently (Patterson and Moore) still have many followers who insist that they are the real victims.

          2. Uh, no, it’s still a strawman, unless you can point to someone who listed those particular men as “models of Christian masculinity.” I could make a similar list, perhaps the Revoice presenters, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Russell Moore, B. Hussein Obama and various other tinker pots and social justice whiners. It would be no less real…or ridiculous.

          3. Russell Moore has graduated to “social justice whiner” status? I’m not swooning over the guy but that’s just dumb.

          4. Obviously you haven’t kept up with him.

        2. Bob,
          I think mkt has a point in that you’re a presenting false choice between “effeminacy” and the individuals you listed. You’ve taken a perfectly fine term and attached it to disreputable individuals in an attempt to make it look bad when it could be attached to perfectly commendable people as well. I’m sure we could all come up with men who display “effeminacy” who have done some bad things too. And we could all come up with men who are “masculine” men who haven’t done comparably shameful things.

          All that said, I think you raise some good points about the cultural aspects of what is considered masculine. These attributes change over time and between cultures. We shouldn’t assume that because what we in 21st Century America consider to be masculine is masculine behavior across the world and throughout time or what Jesus would have as aspire to be.


          1. My point is that it’s largely a culturally constructed term. The “effeminacy” of one culture or one era is another culture’s or era’s masculinity. The notions of “biblical masculinity” promoted within Reformed evangelicalism are hardly biblical or timeless. They’re just the popular construals of masculinity from the middle decades of the 20th century in the US. This kind of stuff is little more than an effort to dress up one’s political and cultural preferences for a bygone era in a cloak of divine approval.

          2. I agree with what you’ve written here.

          3. Macho men even in the mid 20th century weren’t fat.

    2. I’m sorry, but if guys like Tim Bayly, Doug Wilson, Paige Patterson, Roy
      Moore, and Donald Trump are models of Christian masculinity, I’ll take

      I’ll cosign. These men are the polar opposite of what healthy masculinity should be.


    3. I’m in a PCA church and we don’t think being fat and slobby is particularly manly. I’m not aware of any portion of our culture that thinks that, unless these men deliberately want to make themselves ugly to gay guys and straight women. But then again, I’m from California.


  3. This article did make one cogent point. I’m not sure why the Spiritual Friendship crowd has generally discussed these issues only in the context of gay Christians. If chaste same-sex friendship is a good thing, then it should be a good thing for gays and straights alike. My grandparents were happily married for 67 years. Not once did my grandfather refer to his wife as his “best friend.” That’s because she wasn’t. He had genuine and deep friendships with other men. He even took occasional trips with some of his male friends. The homophobia of modern evangelicalism has emasculated men and imprisoned them in a cell of “family values.”

    I just took a weekend trip to Paris with several male friends. I’m going on a four-day camping and hiking trip to Montana with another male friend in a few weeks. None of these guys is a Christian. In fact, I can’t imagine convincing any of my friends from my church-attending days to run off to Paris on a few days’ notice.


    1. To be fair, I think SF have tried to promote the ‘rediscovery’ of genuine and deep friendships for everyone.

      The main problem they face is that Reformed evangelicalism seems to be suspicious of anything/everything outside the nuclear family model.

      I find that evangelicals are as captive to identity politics as the pro-LGBT crowd. They only really want to know which ‘side’ you are on in these debates.


      1. You nailed it, Joe.

        Reformed evangelicals are utterly obsessed with the neo-Freudian “nuclear family” as the normative script for adult life. Indeed, it has become its own brand of identity politics, along with all of the typical protection-racket strategies to defend it against criticism.

        Rod Dreher has a post from a few days ago that asks why single evangelical men stop attending church after a certain age. I find the “nuclear family” model to be fairly confining, if not outright emasculating. When I dated within evangelical circles, I felt that most women were merely looking to insert me into a narrative that was already written, without consideration as to whether that’s what I wanted or not. If I wasn’t interested in that narrative, women would just move on to another guy was willing to acquiesce to what they wanted.

        It strikes me that a lot of men in evangelical leadership are harboring far more sexual demons than guys in the general population. When I was active in evangelical churches, it struck me that a lot of guys struggle with things that aren’t even temptations to me and that are quite rare even among my secularist male colleagues at a la large law firm. That said, asexuality or some moderate form of it (demisexuality) are probably quite common among a lot of white-collar professionals. I spend a lot of unguarded moments with male colleagues, and topics related to sex rarely come up in conversation.

        There may be some guys that need the strictures of the “nuclear family” to keep it together on a daily basis. But there are plenty of us who manage just fine without having to subjugate ourselves to some paternalistic, emasculating model of manhood. It strikes me that the main promoters of “biblical masculinity” are fairly weak men who haven’t yet figured out how to exercise basic impulse control without committing to some social narrative that substitutes moral paternalism for self-discipline. I dropped out of attending evangelical churches because I felt like the whole social structure of evangelical churches had an infantilizing effect on me.


        1. calebroberts811 June 14, 2018 at 10:45 am

          I think you’re right about the nuclear family in evangelicalism, but I’m not clear how this point counters the article, if that was even your intention. Could you say more? I like this train of thought.


        2. I agree 100% with what you have said in this paragraph.

          My husband and I don’t really meet what they would all the normative for a marriage. My husband and i decided not to have children, and we both work. My husband and I enjoy going to Las Vegas on vacations which i am sure alot of evangelicals would frown on.

          I think you are onto something that a lot of men and women are very sexually repressed. As a former evangelical, i too have felt very much repressed by moralistic rules that evangelicals like to impose.

          When people repress whether especially sexual desire, it ends up coming out in either using pornography or affairs or other ways.

          In Evangelical circles their is a lot of repression and they seem to frown upon traditional dating too, and then they complain that their are so many singles.


  4. “Why aren’t the Spiritual Friendship writers attempting to form a spiritual friendship with persons of the opposite sex? ”

    Possibly the same reason heterosexuals (generally speaking) don’t seek out close friendships with the opposite sex. The default inclination for everyone is to form close friendships with the same sex.


    1. Gay men have always had more female friends than straight men simply BECAUSE their ISN’T the issue of sexual attraction and also gay men-celibate or otherwise-have more feminine characteristics in their nature -emotional sensitivity,for example-and can connect more on a platonic level to women.


  5. Steven Froehlich June 15, 2018 at 2:44 pm

    Mr Wedgeworth says in conclusion: “Original sin and its effects are actually sin and need to be repented of.” This premise which underlies his argument and which influences his criticism is profoundly wrong both with respect to sin as well as to repentance. There is no biblical precedent for repentance for original sin or its effects. Note in Ps 51 David acknowledges that he was born into and becomes part of the sinful pollution of the world. But David doesn’t repent of the water in which he (and every other person) is swimming. We do not repent for sweat, weeds, cancer, and floods (all of which are the effects of original sin). But with David I repent of “my transgressions” and “my sin.”

    To the extent that Mr Wedgeworth is mistaken (and he is) about the diagnosis of what he is crticizing, his conclusions are flawed and unreliable.


    1. It seems you have a rather confused notion of original sin if you would lump sweat, weeds, cancer, and floods in with its effects. Original sin as a doctrine (rather than as a name for the Fall) is anthropological and this does not involve weeds or floods, and our subjection to cancer and sweat are more accurately counted as effects of the curse. The doctrine of original sin sticks topically to the effects on man’s moral and spiritual condition more than anything else.

      Beyond that, the idea that the corruption of original sin brings actual guilt has been pretty standard in the Protestant (especially but by no means exclusively the Reformed) tradition, and its biblical roots aren’t as shallow as you imagine. Paul’s argument in Romans 4 has often been appealed to with prima facie reasonableness as showing that, if ever infants die, they must in some sense bear guilt for sin. It’s hard to see how denying this would avoid creating other soteriological issues.


  6. […] The topic of sexuality drives a lot of conversation these days. Here, find a review of “spiritual friendship”. […]


  7. […] Many critical articles have been written that signal significant disagreement with both the presentation of the Revoice conference as well as the theological position(s) many speakers participating in the conference have taken on issues related to the Bible’s teaching on sexuality and how Christians should live in accordance with the Christian faith as revealed in the Scriptures. […]


  8. […] Wedgeworth, A Critical Review of Spiritual Friendship, Mere […]


  9. […] faithful Catholics think they go too far. And now Protestants from various backgrounds are challenging and criticizing their plan to hold a summer conference. Can’t we all just be spiritual friends? Why the […]


  10. […] faithful Catholics think they go too far. And now Protestants from various backgrounds are challenging and criticizing their plan to hold a summer conference. Can’t we all just be spiritual friends? Why the […]


  11. […] of participants in the upcoming Revoice Conference in St. Louis and advocates of so-called “spiritual friendship” to simply lift the sexual identarian framework from the secular culture and retrofit it with a […]


  12. […] dans la conférence Revoice à Saint Louis et des défenseurs de la soi disant « amitié spirituelle » à prendre le cadre d’identité sexuelle de la culture séculière et de […]


  13. My main issue here is that on paper, the concept of spiritual friendship seems promising, but in the experiences the proponents give it does seem to err towards Eros.

    But I wonder, does spiritual friendship always have to be between to gay people? What about a gay person cultivating a spiritual friendship with a straight person? That doesn’t seem to be discussed by the advocates, but maybe I need to read more.

    Also they talk about the redeemable qualities or vocation of a same sex attracted person. What about the ability to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that isn’t influenced by sexual desire. Gregory Coles discusses this in
    his book in reference to his sister is law. That seems like a great gift to me. I am looking forward to the day, in the new creation, when I will be able to have a friendship with a woman that is not to some degree influenced by sexual desire or awareness.


  14. I’m a man of gay inclination (I don’t want to call it an “identity” unless society forces me to) and I need healthy friendships with men. I wouldn’t want to have a close “spiritual friendship” with another gay man, though, unless we found each other quite unattractive, not because i’m discriminating, but for fear of temptation, and also because I don’t want to cause people to stumble. Maybe we could have a sort of friendship based on our appreciation of OTHER :-) buff guys, but I sure wouldn’t call it spiritual!


  15. […] essay over at Mere Orthodoxy on the Spiritual Friendship conversation has generated a fair amount of discussion these past few weeks. Much of it has been very good. Some […]


  16. […] let’s talk about effeminacy. This came up as final point of criticism in my Mere Orthodoxy critique of the gay Christianity of Revoice and Spiritual Friendship. Now, I knew that “going […]


  17. With all due respect to the writer pretty sure jesus was celibate and so where the disciples that left their wives and children where they effeminate?and what’s the big deal about identifying as gay oriented are we not all sinners and is that not part of are identity as Christian’s? if we could control sin and it were not part of who we are what need do we have a saviour?the truth is people like the writer wants to slam the doors of the kingdom in the face of those living by the spirit rather then the flesh Who everyday strive take up their cross and follow christ Shame on you!


  18. […] in our broken condition (the outward aspect of the estate of misery). It is incorrect to suggest that orientation to homosexual desire can only proceed from the estate of sin rather than the estate of misery. Inward affection for what is good, […]


  19. Writer basically check all the boxes that one needs to claim that one is not a “hater”. But then engages in an analysis of ill faith towards people who are struggling with same sex attraction–there has to be something to find wrong with them, right? He is suggesting that the only way they can be truly Christian is by becoming straight, which is of course impossible for most. The Bible says “it is not good for the man to be alone” and this seems to be conflated with the nuclear family ONLY, so that gay people are to live unhappy lives in complete isolation and solitude unless they become straight which is impossible. Could not imagine a less helpful and nasty attitude if one was in fact a hater. Gay people are damned here if they do but also damned if they don’t, as no alternative is offered except to become straight, which is asking for the impossible.


  20. […] and Tushnet all consistently normalized certain manifestations of same-sex desire, blurring the lines between proto-romance and “spiritual […]


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