Danielle Treweek. Single Ever After: A Biblical Vision for the Significance of Singleness. The Good Book Company, 2025. $16.99. 176 pp.
The best book on marriage I’ve read this year is Dani Treweek’s new book on singleness.
This is not because I want to be single. I love my husband, and I love being married to him. Marriage is good—and that’s not just my personal opinion. This is what God declared in Genesis 2:18 before going on to make the first woman, Eve, to be the wife for the first man, Adam. But in the twenty-first century, marriage is under attack from myriad directions. Increasingly more Americans are bypassing not just marriage but relationships altogether—the Pew Research Center has noted the rise in the number of individuals who were single entirely—not only unmarried, but also not dating or cohabiting: “in 2019, roughly four-in-ten adults ages 25 to 54 (38%) were unpartnered – that is, neither married nor living with a partner. This share is up sharply from 29% in 1990. Men are now more likely than women to be unpartnered, which wasn’t the case 30 years ago.”
Still, God’s original declaration stands: It is not good for man (or woman) to be alone. Marriage is good. Modern social science backs this up, as Brad Wilcox has argued in his recent book, Get Married. People in healthy marriages are happier by every metric imaginable. They are physically healthier, less stressed, better off financially, and not as likely to ever feel lonely. If blessed with children, they get to enjoy this additional gift together.
And yet, as we talk about these undeniable benefits of marriage, we cannot deny this simple fact: not every individual in our society will get married. Furthermore, the vast majority of these singles are likely to be single by circumstance rather than intent. This is true in society at large, but it is also true in church—the environment where the institution of marriage is much more highly regarded than in the society at large. In fact, gone are the days when people used to regularly marry someone they had met at church. Writing for the Institute for Family Studies, Lyman Stone has noted the “abysmally bad” odds for singles seeking to meet other singles in their church.
It is with this conflicting and confusing state of affairs, in which she has found herself living, writing, and ministering that has prompted Dani Treweek to write this book. Growing up in church, she had always thought she would get married and have children. Except, it just didn’t work out this way. As a theologian, she began wondering: What is the purpose of her singleness specifically in her life, and what is God’s purpose for singles in the church? She has since founded Single Minded Ministry and has written two books on this topic and its broader implications for the body of Christ—not just singles, but all of us.
How should Christians think about singleness? There are many single Christians in the church who acknowledge: marriage is good! They wish they could get married. They look at their married friends and wonder: Why hasn’t this happened to me? They have spent decades praying for a spouse but are still single—or single again, following the death of a spouse or a divorce. They may even wonder if God is somehow ignoring their prayers for a spouse. The response from other Christians to those experiencing these complex emotions and maybe even deep spiritual wrestlings too often is not helpful. No, sometimes it doesn’t help to just pray harder.
Too often the default in churches is to deal with singles with suspicion or discomfort. The result? Many singles feel shame at their state and just feel lonelier at church than anywhere else, because churches are much more comfortable dealing with people as family units—married couples with kids. Treweek describes real situations during corporate worship of people ignoring singles in their aisle. Worse, those who acknowledge the presence of singles in their midst often look at them with unconcealed pity and offer all sorts of unhelpful advice. This treatment is often also unbiblical. It presumes marriage as the unqualified first-order option to which all are called. Singleness, then, becomes the awkward and highly unfortunate back-up option to be pitied and reserved either for the heroic people who have the rare “gift of singleness,” or for those who just haven’t been praying hard enough for a spouse.
Ultimately, Treweek argues, we need to go back to the Bible and what it says about marriage as well as singleness. And so, we might as well begin with eternity—our future, in which we will dwell with Jesus forever. As it happens, there are fairly striking promises for what our relationships will be in that future: “That end—a never-ending end!—is one in which there will be one loving husband, Christ himself, and one beloved wife, the church. How amazing is it that marriages point us towards that ultimate reality… And yet that same never-ending end is one in which all of us, as individual members of the church, will not be married to each other. We will all be ‘single ever after.’”
In other words, we are missing a key theological insight when we ignore singles in our midst or (worse) think about them only as sad victims of modernity who we wish could just get married already or (perhaps worst) think of their singleness only in instrumentalized terms (what are they good for? Well, they have all this free time to do _____). These simplistic ideas are not helpful to anyone, including the singles in our churches. Too often Christians emphasize the biblical significance of marriage—and rightly so. But Treweek urges us to not overlook God’s vision for the singles in our midst, both in the life here and now and in eternity: “Jesus’ people who are married and Jesus’ people who are single are not opponents or adversaries. Rather, they are brothers and sisters who need one another to help keep their eyes fixed on the full glory of the resurrection life ahead. Married and single Christians are both God’s co-specialists in depicting eternity.”
The conversation must engage theology and practical application. Thus in each of the seven parts of the book, Treweek presents a key theological point rooted in specific passages from the Bible and then follows it with a “Living It Out” chapter. These application portions address married people in equal parts with singles. One of the highlights of the book for me was, in the process, the discussion of “the gift of singleness,” which Treweek argues “really is simply the gift of being single.” This singleness, it is crucial to remember, may be a gift for a season or for a lifetime. God is sovereign over this too, as over every other aspect of our lives, and this reminder is a comfort for those uncomfortable with the state of singleness in which they find themselves in this moment.
And yet, there is quite an edifice of extra-biblical language and implications that Christians have built around the over-idealized concept of singleness as a gift that comes with spiritual superpowers—such as the ability to resist all sexual temptation and absolute contentment with singleness. As a result, the typical retort at church to anyone who doesn’t feel satisfied with their singleness is to suggest that perhaps God hasn’t given the gift of singleness to them. This, Treweek reminds, is bad theology, and we see this more clearly when we consider how we talk about marriage: “But have you ever stopped to wonder why married people aren’t told that if God wanted them to be married, he’d especially empower them to be consistently content and faithful in their marriage? Have you stopped to consider why we don’t say to a husband or wife that if their marriage doesn’t feel good to them, then it is no longer good for them?”
This does not mean, of course, that someone who is single is taking a vow in the way that married people do. To be single often is to be open to the possibility of marriage someday, if God ordains it. Still, we are fallen people living in a fallen world. Our grumbling about our marriage (if married) or singleness (if not) is more indicative of our fallen state than of God’s gift to us, whatever that may be.
Treweek’s book reminded me of some of the arguments Tim Keller made in brief in the chapter he dedicated to singleness in his book The Meaning of Marriage, co-authored with his wife, Kathy Keller. Keller noted that “The Christian church in the West, unfortunately, does not seem to have maintained its grasp on the goodness of singleness. Instead it has labeled it ‘Plan B for the Christian Life.’” Keller urges his readers to think of the gospel and how it comes through in our lives, single or married. The church, after all, has always been a community—a family of believers who care for each other. Treweek certainly agrees.
Ultimately, we need to foster a healthier theology and richer language for marriage and for singleness alike. Neither state should be an idol. But also, we need a healthier culture of friendships in church, because we all—single and marriage alike—need healthy friendships and relationships with people other than our spouse. Besides, in Jesus’s kingdom, we will all be brothers and sisters, beloved children of God.
