Taco Bell is the best Mexican food I ever ate. I will say this to your face over a plate of enchiladas suiza. You will shake your head at such transparent provocation. What a shocking thing to say at a restaurant that has the best tacos in New York City!
I won’t even correct that assertion. There is no such thing as “the best tacos in New York City.” There are only two kinds of tacos in New York City: adequate, and whatever is a little better than adequate. Unless we’re talking Taco Bell. Which I will talk about, at length, even if you haven’t asked a question that has anything to do with Taco Bell.
Yes, fast food is unhealthy. It preys on the poor by offering scientifically-engineered food products that are devoid of nutritional value, but are richly emotionally satisfying. These products are intensely tasty, and most of all, cheap. Why spend five bucks on groceries? What can you get for five bucks at a grocery store anyway? A stalk of broccoli and a jar of mayo? Since we’re at dinner, and I’m busy proselytizing, I’m not currently able to fact-check the following statement, but I’m pretty sure you can buy ten tacos for one dollar.
Taco Bell tacos are crunchy, crispy, meaty sailboats of spicy chemical flavor. The Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos taco shell is the most important invention of this century. But we’ve come this far, and you’re halfway through your plate of organic, locally-sourced, New York Magazine-celebrated Mexican tube casserole, so we have time to talk about Taco Bell. I’ll order more chips and salsa. Now I’m going to hold up my fingers and wiggle them. This will signify we’re flashing backwards in time.